Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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