I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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