Swine flu. Run for my life!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
