How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
