Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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