five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
