Just fell off a train. Bad.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
my liver is dry heaving
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
