I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Pants are for mortals
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
