drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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