there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
this boner is exhausting
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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