Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
