so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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