I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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