only you would photoshop your dick
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
