I CAN MOONWALK!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He has the fingertips of a God
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
