You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
