Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize