I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
