Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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