maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize