so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
