i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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