I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You left your phone here
Wait...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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