I wish my penis had an off switch
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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