why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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