awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
