i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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