Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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