When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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