he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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