I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
