just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
