John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
