everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
