Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just cut my nipple shaving
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
