probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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