Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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