i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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