the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
