So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
