Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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