I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
