I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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