nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
