Come see our sink grown plant.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
should my penis look like a turkey
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
