operation harelip BJ is a go
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
