One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
