What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
