i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
