it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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