I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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