she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
