My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The best revenge is premature balding
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
