Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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