I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
