just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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